Slayers Don't Cry
by Incubabe
Summary: General Spike/Buffy fluff-fest. Set one year after S.6, Spike returns to Sunnydale but there''s something wrong. Buffy doesn't know what to do...
1. Sweet Dreams

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns it all (except James Marsters…he's all mine!) Set one year after Season 6 finale; Anya and Xander have got back together, Spike is yet to return and Buffy is hiding her feelings towards him.

Chapter One – Sweet Dreams

Buffy was cold, she pulled her coat tightly to her and walked on through the cemetery. She smiled to herself as she saw the eerie mists around the bottom of the gravestones, it only ever happened in horror movies and her dreams. It seemed as if she had been patrolling forever, but the moon was still high and she knew that it was only early. As she passed yet another crypt, she couldn't help but think of Spike. He had disappeared a year before and no-one knew where he had gone, no-one had seen him and there was no word of him on the demon underground. Was he even coming back? She walked on, the sky darkening as thick cloud covered the moon; she ignored the rain that was starting to fall. The cemetery seemed never-ending and she could hear the footsteps behind her, hear the wet sound each foot made in the mud, she walked on. The footsteps continued, following her every move and growing louder as they drew nearer. She stopped dead in her tracks, the footsteps ceased. The cold night seemed to wash over her as she stood still; suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder, almost caressing her. She stayed still, relishing the touch; it felt oddly cool but so familiar.

_" Angel?" she whispered as she turned, blinking through the rain. The darkness hid his face but she recognised his long, leather jacket. He stepped forward, a break in the clouds bathing him in the moonlight…_

_" Not Angel, luv," Buffy looked up in surprise but relief and fell into his arms._

Buffy's eyes snapped open and she looked across at her bedside clock: nine o'clock. She sighed as she climbed out of bed slowly, stopping to rub her eyes and push her hair back from her face. She left the room and walked downstairs but she was the only one up, there were no weekend cartoons blaring from the living room and Willow was not in the kitchen making Buffy's coffee. Buffy frowned as she made two mugs of coffee before walking back up the stairs and heading for Willow's room. She knocked before opening the door and found Willow sitting up in bed, reading the newspaper.

" Hey, what's up?" she asked, folding her paper as Buffy walked into the room and sat cross-legged at the end of the bed, handing her a mug of coffee and taking a large mouthful from her own.

" I had a dream about Spike," said Buffy, she saw the smirk starting to creep across Willow's face, " Not one of _those_ dreams!"

" Okay, I'm sorry. What was it then?"

" I don't know. He was back in Sunnydale and he was following me while I patrolled," she said, " I thought it was Angel,"

" Angel? Why would you think Spike was Angel?"

" God, I don't know. It just didn't feel like Spike, it was too soft. It just felt like Angel,"

" I thought you said it wasn't one of _those_ dreams!" teased Willow. Buffy threw the folded newspaper at her. " Hey, you can't slay your friends! Leave me alone!"

" Maybe I'm reading too much into this but it just felt so real. I seriously thought it was Angel though… Maybe I should call Giles," said Buffy thoughtfully.

" I don't think you need to bother him. Not 'til you know what's going on, you might just be missing him or something,"

" Why would I be missing him? I mean, it's Spike, why would I be missing Spike?"

" I actually meant Angel but you've obviously got someone else on your mind. Buffy, I know how you feel about Spike, I can see it in your eyes every time his name's mentioned," smiled Willow, Buffy went quiet and stared at the pattern on the duvet, not wanting to admit to Willow that she was missing him. Missing him more than anything. Missing him more than she wanted to.

" Maybe I should go and patrol,"

" Er, it's morning. Y'know, daylight!"

" Yeah, but I'd like to know what's going on now rather than later. If I'm not back, tell Dawn where I've gone," she smiled before jumping off the bed and changing her clothes, ready to visit the place she'd been avoiding for twelve months. Spike's crypt.

Despite the sun being high and not a cloud in sight, Buffy always found the cemetery cold. It was as if the sunlight could not penetrate it, unable to reach the gravestones and crypts and tombs of Sunnydale's loved and lost. Buffy headed straight for Spike's old crypt, she stopped beside the entrance and leaned against it. The last time she had seen him, Spike had hurt her a lot. Attempted rape was definitely not a turn on for her but she had been unable to stop thinking about him despite it. Spike had hurt her a million times over and probably would again but she knew she had to see him. She needed to; she wanted to - she wanted him. Breathing deeply, she heaved open the crypt door, stepped inside and slammed it behind her. Thin shafts of sunlight beamed down from the high windows, illuminating the otherwise dark room, Buffy glanced quickly around. Nothing had changed; everything was exactly as he had left it. Left it without a word to her. Without thinking, Buffy sat down on Spike's bed and looked around again, twisting her hands into the material of his sheets. She closed her eyes and wished away the hot tears she could feel building up behind her eyes.

" Slayers don't cry," said a familiar voice. She didn't open her eyes, she couldn't. She felt a hand move around her neck and pulling her, she didn't want to open her eyes in case it was all another dream. Her head found his hard chest and she sighed loudly, letting a few tears fall.

" Where have you been?" she sniffed, opening her eyes as he pushed her away from him. Spike looked down at her, his eyes filled with sadness and Buffy was shocked at how fragile he looked.

" Away, but I'm back now. God, Buffy I missed you," he sighed, tears forming in his own eyes. He pulled her to him again and kissed her hair, breathing in her scent. He suddenly pushed her away from him and held her still; she looked up at him, confused by his actions. " Buffy, I really need to apologise for what happened the night I left town…"

" Spike, don't. I really don't want to talk about it, just forget about it. I have and you should too,"

" No. I really hurt you, I know I did and I just want to say that I am so sorry. You know I'll never hurt you again, right?" he said, brushing her hair away from her face.

" I know," she whispered. He pulled her into his arms again and held her tight as if his heart would explode if he ever let her go. He had wanted to hold her every night he had been gone, every night he had been away from her. Buffy sat with her arms around his neck and relished the feeling of him against her body again but part of her was angry. Angry with him and angry with herself. She could barely believe that she had ever shed a tear for him after what he did, what he was but just being with him again was intoxicating; the familiar swirl of anger and lust was filling her body once more. It played with her mind and she loved the feeling of confusion, of never knowing whether to kiss him or kill him.

She pulled away and looked up at him, he seemed so sad. His eyes appeared so much older than they used to, as if he was feeling the weight of his age. His skin was paler and his hair was less harsh, it was still blonde but not as white and bleached as normal. Again, she was shocked at how fragile he looked, as if he would break if she shook him too hard. He looked so different…


	2. Twenty Questions

Chapter Two – Twenty Questions

Spike was still sleeping when Buffy blearily opened her eyes for the second time that day. She glanced at the window, it was still light outside but it was a dying light; they would be able to go back to the house soon. Buffy knew that Dawn would be pleased to see Spike even if nobody else would be. She picked her jeans up from the floor and wriggled into them, dressing quickly as she paced the room for each individual item of clothing. She never could keep her clothes together when she was undressing. Once dressed, she sat back down on the bed and looked at Spike as he slept, he was moaning slightly and Buffy wondered if vampires had bad dreams as she stroked his soft hair.

" What the hell happened to you?" she murmured as she looked down at him. Tracing old scars with her fingers; he told her that he'd won the fight but the scars were taking their time to fade, Buffy knew enough about vampiric healing to know they must have been really deep cuts, possibly through to the bone. He hissed sharply as Buffy rubbed her fingers over a deep, red wound right in the centre of his chest, he opened his eyes and grabbed her hand, moving it away from the mark.

" Still sore, pet," he sighed, putting a loose arm around her waist. She stayed silent, looking down at him puzzling over what could possibly have changed Spike, changed William the Bloody to the fragile man that lay before her.

" Why won't you tell me what happened while you were gone?"

" I've already told you. Nothing happened. I just needed to clear my head a bit and now I'm back, okay?"

" Spike, don't lie to me. I'm not stupid. Just tell me where you've been. Dawn's really missed you but you didn't care enough to call her; to tell her that you'd be back,"

" Don't bring her into this. You know I didn't leave because of her…" shouted Spike, Buffy glared down at him.

" Right, of course, you left because of me," she said sharply, sitting back from his reach. Spike sat up on his elbows and looked Buffy right in the eye.

" I didn't leave _because_ of you, I left _for_ you. I had to get something… for you,"

" Get me something? What? What is it?" frowned Buffy, unsure of what Spike was talking about but intrigued by his answer nonetheless. He reached out and took her hand and placed it over the red mark she had touched before, he cringed slightly at her touch but soon relaxed and left her hand over his chest. " What? You had to get your ass kicked for me?"

" Bloody hell, you can be so annoying sometimes. This is an entry wound, luv. Don't know if it'll ever go away, I bloody hope it will…"

" Entry wound for what?" she said, moving her hand and inspecting the mark closely, it was still red and sore with black marks around the skin; Buffy assumed they were burnt on. Spike sat up properly and faced her, she started smiling at him, she never had any idea what to expect when it came to Spike's sense of humour. He took both of her hands in his and sighed loudly, Buffy pulled a face and encouraged him to 'get on with it'.

" This might be a bit hard to accept, it took me long enough… I went to Africa to fight for my right to the restoration," said Spike. Buffy's mind went into overdrive; the restoration, the spell from Jenny's disk, the spell Willow performed on Angel, the one that returned his… She looked at Spike; she looked at the mark on his chest and jumped off the bed, laughing hysterically. Spike with a soul? This was just too much, there was just no way…

" That is the lamest thing I have ever heard. You got a soul for me? Please! Is that the best excuse you could come up with for getting a beating?" she laughed; Spike didn't join in with the jollity.

" It's not an excuse, it's the truth," he said, Buffy stopped suddenly and glared at him.

"If this is some kind of joke, it's really not funny," she screamed, pacing the room. She had to keep walking, she had to keep moving, her mind was moving from overdrive to hyper-drive and she was ready to explode.

" I'm not joking, luv. I'm a soul man again," he smiled. Buffy stopped walking and sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from him. He moved forward and kissed the top of her arm, trying to make her look at him.

" This is so unbelievable. I can't… I mean, I don't even know… This is so totally not what I expected," she babbled before turning to look at him. She studied his face, checking if she had missed anything, some sign that he was no longer evil.

" There's nothing there, pet. I'm still the same ol' Spike, just a little new and improved. Well, maybe not improved but still…"

" I think we should call Giles,"

" Why? There's nothing he can do. I'm the vampire with a soul now. Plus, I got better hair than Peaches,"

" Is that what this was about? Getting one up on Angel? God, Spike, real mature,"

" That's not what I did it for. God, a bloke can't do nothing right by you, Slayer," he growled, throwing back the sheets and jumping out of bed. Buffy averted her eyes from Spike's naked body as he picked up his trousers and pulled them on. " C'mon, let's go. Can't wait to see what you tell Watcher-Boy,"

Neither Spike nor Buffy spoke on the walk to Revello Drive although both had plenty to say. As always, they left it to each other, testing to see who would be the one to crack. Buffy was sorely tempted to slam the door in his face as they entered the house but she knew that everyone would have to know what had happened while Spike had been away, even if nobody would be particularly pleased about it. Buffy threw her bag on the kitchen worktop and headed for the fridge, finishing off the orange juice as Dawn and Willow entered the room.

" Nibblet," smiled Spike and took a step towards her but Dawn just glared at him before turning on her heel and storming out of the room. Buffy threw the juice carton in the bin and ran out after her. Willow walked over to Spike and looked at him, frowning.

" Spike," she smiled.

" Red," he countered, sitting at the breakfast bar and looking at the door that both Summers' women had just left through.

" So, kill anyone lately?"

" Er…no. You?"

" Not so much. What have you been up to?" asked Willow before jumping up onto the kitchen counter. Spike just smiled at her.

" Got me a soul!" grinned Spike, his voice filled with pride.

" Oh… okay. Not what I was expecting but fine. So, how are you handling that? I mean, Angel went to hell for a few months afterwards, did you go to hell?"

" Africa,"

" Oh. See, that's not even the same as hell. Hmm, are you thirsty? Do you want something to drink, you know, like coffee because we don't have any blood. Apart from in our bodies, but you already knew that," babbled Willow, not really sure what to make of the news. Spike shook his head and looked at the kitchen door as it opened and Dawn and Buffy walked in. He looked at Buffy who tried to ignore him and sat next to Willow, she smiled softly as Dawn walked up to him.

" Hey Spike," she said, it was a little forced but Spike preferred it to being ignored. He jumped down from the stool and gave Dawn a brief hug. Buffy looked across at Willow and started giggling again.

" Did he tell you?" she asked. Willow nodded and started to laugh.

" I don't know why it's so funny!" said Spike, annoyed. Dawn frowned and asked what was going on. " Promise you won't laugh?" Dawn nodded her head. " While I was in Africa, I went through the restoration and got a soul,"

Dawn looked at Willow and Buffy's increasing grins and couldn't help but let out a giggle before the three girls erupted into peals of laugher.

" Bloody women!" growled Spike. " Come on, Slayer. Ring your Watcher, let him in on the joke!" Buffy walked across the kitchen to the telephone and quickly dialled Giles' home number in England. She had learnt it by heart months before when Willow retreated to the Watcher's Council's harsh recovery programme, followed by a mini-holiday with Giles. It didn't take him long to pick up the phone.

" Giles, it's me," she smiled, "Yes, I know what time it is… Oh, sorry. I just had to call, we've had some news; Spike's back… No, we're all fine, he's got a soul," She was silent for a moment and Spike could hear no laughter from the other end.

" Ha, I knew ol' Rupert would be on my side!" he whispered to Willow.

" We all thought it was hysterical too but…" continued Buffy, Spike sighed, "I hadn't really thought about it… No, I just wanted to let you know… Of course I will… You too, bye!"

" How did it happen?" asked Dawn, pouring herself a glass of milk and sitting next to Spike at the breakfast bar. Over the next few hours, Spike recounted his African adventures to the three girls as they drank coffee and munched on biscuits. Willow was particularly interested in the man with the flaming fists but Spike ignored her questions, Buffy seemed in awe of what he had gone through to gain his soul and all Dawn could say was, "Cool".

" You went through all of that to get a soul, just for me?" asked Buffy. Spike nodded as she walked towards him. " That is the saddest thing I've ever heard!" she smiled and kissed his forehead.


	3. Bad Dreams

Chapter Three – Bad Dreams

Against her better nature, Buffy allowed Spike to stay over. She hadn't intended on it but once Dawn and Willow had gone to bed, it just seemed too late to go patrolling and Spike just didn't want to walk back to the crypt. As she turned the bedroom light off and jumped into bed with Spike, she realised that it was the weirdest thing ever. Not even Angel had actually slept in her bed, that kind of thing was reserved for girlfriends at sleepovers and proper boyfriends, not 'cradle-snatching, creature of the night boyfriends'. Despite her post-coital, mid-afternoon nap, Buffy fell asleep almost immediately while Spike just lay next to her, absorbing the fact that he was actually in the Slayer's bed, sleeping between her sheets as if they had a normal relationship. The thought that she had accepted him made him happy and he soon fell asleep although as the dreams started, he wished he could wake up.

The room was lit up in red and orange from the flames outside. He stood over her lifeless body, tasting her blood on his lips as Drusilla walked in to the room. He turned to face her, her eyes were wide with excitement and desire, her words were filling his head; slayer… naughty… wicked… He picked her up and kissed her, her tongue finding the blood in his mouth and devouring him. The fire raged all around as he and Drusilla walked down the crowded streets, people were fleeing in terror as their homes and belongings were engulfed. It was chaos and they were ecstatically drowning in it, the two lovers soon met up with Angelus and Darla at the end of the street. The blood of the slayer was spent but Drusilla's overwhelming pride made him more excited. She couldn't help but tell Angelus and Darla what had happened but Angelus had not cared, Spike ignored him. Dru was all that mattered now, Dru and the kill.

" Who are you?" she asked, wiping her flour covered hands down on her dark skirt. Spike remained silent as he watched her make herself presentable for him; she looked up and asked again. "Are you supposed to be here?"

" Yes, I was sent for by your master's servant-boy. Apparently he is quite ill, I would have gone through the main entrance but the lady of the house is throwing a party. I was asked to use the workman's entrance," he smiled, the lie flowing from his lips. He enjoyed weaving stories to gain entry to people's homes, to make them trust him before he ripped their throats out.

" Oh, well you'd best come in then," she smiled. Spike entered the kitchen and stood next to the table where lumps of dough sat amidst a sea of flour. "Shouldn't you go straight upstairs?" she asked as she went back to kneading more dough.

" I should but you look a little peaked yourself. Are you feeling well?"

" As well as I can be inhaling this flour all day. They say it's a poison, you know," she said. Spike stepped forward and pressed the back of his hand to her cheek, then her forehead before running his fingers through the loose hairs at the nape of her neck. He looked at the girl, her eyes were closed and her head tilted back at his touch, it was almost too easy. He smiled as he leant down and kissed her gently beneath her earlobe before biting down hard on her throat, draining her of blood before dropping her corpse to the floor.

" Thank you, sweetheart!" he laughed as he walked out of the door and back onto the streets.

Buffy woke up suddenly but didn't open her eyes, she was sure that she had heard something. She forced herself to blearily open her eyes and look at the clock, three o'clock in the morning, she cursed herself for sleeping so lightly and shut her eyes again. She heard the noise again, she opened her eyes and turned to Spike, it was definitely coming from him, what was he doing? She stared at him, daring him to do it again, his eyes were shut tight but Buffy could see the tears surrounding them, sealing them shut. She frowned and wiped the tears from his cheeks but he still didn't open his eyes.

" No… don't…" Spike cried in his sleep, bringing his hands to his face and covering his eyes, it was almost as if his dreams were scaring him. Buffy couldn't understand what was going on, she grabbed Spike's shoulder and shook him but he still didn't wake up.

" It's just a dream," she cooed into his ear. No change. "Spike?"

" I brought you a present, pet," smiled Spike as he pushed a crying ten-year-old boy into Drusilla's arms. Her eyes lit up at the gift and she curled her long fingers into the boy's hair.

" Are you scared?" she whispered. The boy nodded and started to calm down, Spike sat out of sight in the corner of the room ready to watch her play. "I was scared once, but Miss Edith said that the moon doesn't play with scaredy-cats. Can you see the moon?"

" I want my Mommy," cried the boy, reaching up to Drusilla for some form of comfort. Spike sat back and laughed to himself, they always wanted to be held and comforted.

" My mummy's dead," said Drusilla, matter-of-factly. She viciously grabbed the boy's head and ripped it backwards, hungrily biting through the young skin and greedily draining his blood. She dropped his body and looked up at Spike who was walking towards her. "Oh Spike, he was wonderful. I'm sorry I didn't save you any but he was just so yummy in my tummy,"

" He was all for you, luv. All for you," grinned Spike, kicking the boy's body away and kissing Drusilla.

Even through the drunken haze he could see that he had hurt Xander badly. Willow kept glancing over to him as she spoke, trying to figure out if he was going to be okay. Spike didn't care, Willow was going to get Drusilla back for him and that was all he cared about. She was talking and acting strongly but he could smell her fear, it was sweet and exciting. He smashed his whisky bottle and held the jagged edge to Willow's throat, she screamed and cried at him. They were so much easier to control when they were scared. The smell of Xander's congealing blood was confusing his already drunken brain and he was becoming far too tempted to just have a little taste. Nothing would please him more than to drain the whelp no matter what he had promised Red.

Buffy climbed out of bed and knocked on Willow's door, she moaned in reply and Buffy entered the room. Sitting on the end of the bed as she had done the previous morning. She waited in silence as Willow woke herself up and sat up.

" What's the matter?" she yawned, rubbing her eyes with her balled up hands.

" I can't wake Spike up and he's yelling in his sleep. He sounds really scared, he keeps calling people's names. He's just shouted to you and Xander," frowned Buffy.

" Wait a minute, Spike is here?" asked Willow, Buffy frowned, "Okay, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. If you've tried to wake him up then he's obviously in a deep sleep, why the hell is he shouting my name?"

" I don't know but I'm getting really freaked out,"

" BUFFY! NO!" Spike shouted from Buffy's room, she ran to him followed by Willow. He was thrashing around her bed, crying and moaning and calling Buffy's name. Dawn appeared half-asleep in the doorway, woken up by Spike's sleeping hysterics. Buffy climbed onto the bed and grabbed Spike by both shoulders, shaking him violently. It still wasn't working, she looked at Willow in despair but Willow just signalled her to try again. Buffy shook Spike so hard that she was scared she would break his arms and suddenly he opened his eyes and looked frantically around the room. He didn't seem to recognise any of them; his eyes darted back and forth from Willow to Buffy.

" Spike, are you okay?" asked Buffy, stroking his arm.

" I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he said, moving back from Buffy and curling up against the wall at the top corner of the bed. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt any of you, I'm sorry,"

" What's wrong with him?" asked Dawn, she was more than a little freaked out by Spike's behaviour. She had never seen him act like this, she had never even heard him apologise but neither had Buffy or Willow.

" We need to call someone," said Willow.

" Giles?" said Buffy, sitting on the edge of the bed wringing her hands. She didn't know what she could do for Spike, he wouldn't listen to anyone, he couldn't hear anyone.

" No, I was thinking more of Angel,"


	4. Secrets & Lies

Chapter Four – Secrets & Lies

It seemed as though Los Angeles had disappeared from the universe, Willow hadn't been able to contact Angel, Cordelia or Wesley and now all she could do was sit and listen to the ringing of a forgotten telephone miles away. She finally replaced the receiver and thought about what she could do now, a message had been left on Angel's answering machine but that wasn't going to help Spike and Buffy now. There were still a few people that were completely unaware of what was happening and Willow had put off calling them but now she knew that they needed to know.

Without looking up, she tapped in Xander's home number and waited for him to pick up. She didn't say much but stressed the importance of him and Anya joining them at the house. Xander had hung up immediately and Willow knew that he would be on his way already; she wondered if he'd have bothered if he knew it was Spike they were all so concerned about.

Buffy still wouldn't come downstairs, she sat on the bed with Spike despite his silence and wouldn't let her touch him, even to stroke his hair and tell him how she felt. He crawled into the corner of the bed and ignored her, hiding from her gaze and moaning that he didn't deserve to live, that she should kill him. Willow tried to get Buffy downstairs to greet Xander and Anya when they arrived but she couldn't leave him, she was fighting back the tears in here eyes and Willow knew it was because she had never felt so helpless.

Dawn ran to the front door as the bell chimed all over the house, Willow gave Buffy one last pleading look but it was ignored and she had to walk down the staircase alone, she had to be the one to tell them. They were chatting with Dawn on the sofa when she sat on the floor before them, her legs folded up underneath the coffee table.

" What's going on, Will?" asked Xander, a look of concern growing on his face. "Where's Buffy?"

" She's upstairs, she's fine," started Willow. She breathed in deeply and decided to just get it out. "Spike's back and he's got a soul,"

The colour drained from Anya's face and she hazarded a quick glance at Xander but he was staring at the floor. She had worked so hard to regain his trust and this was the one thing that could ruin everything, she had always worried about Spike coming back but after so long, she had forgotten about it altogether. She just prayed that Xander had dismissed her drunken night of desperation as well. Dawn decided that now would probably be a good time to leave the room and ran up the stairs to help Buffy watch over Spike.

" Where is he?" hissed Xander, finally.

" It doesn't matter where he is. Did you not hear me say he had a soul now," said Willow. Xander remained silent but continued to stare at Willow only breaking eye contact when a creak on the staircase announced Buffy's presence.

" He's in my bed and he's ill. Something's wrong with him and I don't know what it is," she said, pulling a chair across and joining the Scooby meeting.

" How long as he been back and he's already in your bed?" said Xander in total disbelief. "I'm sorry, Buffy but wake up! This soul thing is the lamest excuse to get back with you I've ever heard,"

" It's not an excuse, Xander. Spike has a soul now and we have to help him,"

" The hell we do. What's wrong with you? Is this just so you can have another Angel? Is he your boyfriend now?"

" God, Xander. This has got nothing to do with Angel or anything like that, why can't you just understand and support me?"

" Do you love him?"

" What does it matter? You'll never accept him either way," sighed Buffy. She understood why Xander was angry at Spike, especially after what had happened before he left but surely even he could see that Spike having a soul made everything different.

" What's wrong with him?" whispered Anya, her frightened eyes avoiding Xander's fixed stare. Her voice was wavering as she spoke and she couldn't believe that she had actually spoken up.

" We don't know but I've left a message with Angel," said Willow.

" I don't believe this. Have you all conveniently forgotten what Spike is? God Buffy, after what he did to you I thought you'd have more sense than this!" said Xander, Buffy ignored him and looked away.

" Why can't you listen? He has a soul, just like you and me. If you can forgive me for the things I've done then why not him? He's more like us than ever now," said Willow softly, her eyes focused on Xander's.

" He's not like you and me, Will. He's a killer, just like Angel was,"

" That is not fair. Why can't you just leave him out of this? I don't understand why you keep dragging up Angel, he's got nothing to o with this," sighed Buffy.

" He's got everything to do with this. Why don't you just admit it, Buffy? You can't have a normal boyfriend and now Spike has been defanged, everything can be perfect again. Just like it was with Angel. It's exactly the same, you're just going to be hurt again,"

" That's a chance that I'll have to take. I'm not putting my life on hold because I might get hurt, okay? If you really want to know, I do love Spike. I have for a long time now and if you can't handle that then it's not my problem," shouted Buffy.

Willow looked at her in shock, she knew that Buffy had strong feelings for Spike but she never would have imagined that she had fallen in love with him. She wondered how long Buffy had been carrying that secret around with her, hoping that she hadn't suffered with it too much and wishing she had confided in her.

" Can I see him? Maybe I can help," asked Anya quietly. Willow nodded and stood up, Anya chanced a look at Xander but he wouldn't look at her, she could see how hurt he was but she couldn't just leave Spike in pain. He'd been the only one who ever treated her like a human being from the start. Anya followed Willow up the stairs and after a few moments of silence Buffy followed leaving Xander to wallow in his confusion and anger.

Spike was sleeping when they looked in on him but Dawn was still keeping watch, occasionally glancing at her science book but mostly watching him sleep. Her breath catching in her throat as he thrashed about, calling someone's name under his breath. Always someone she didn't know. Buffy walked over and placed her hand on Dawn's shoulder, squeezing it slightly.

" How's he been?" she asked.

" Asleep. It's like he can't stay awake but he's having nightmares, he keeps shouting," explained Dawn. Anya walked over and looked at him, a look of sadness clouding her face. She couldn't believe it was Spike; he looked so different. She couldn't help but feel pity for him, William the Bloody had been reduced to a sorrowful creature. It was as if the house had been sleeping as well as Spike when it suddenly sprung into life. Spike woke up shouting at Buffy for forgiveness for killing her as the telephone started to ring and downstairs, the front door slammed shut. Anya ran down to chase Xander and explain while Buffy tried to calm Spike and Willow ran to answer the telephone in her bedroom.

" Check on Anya," said Buffy to Dawn as she sat on the edge of the bed. Dawn walked out of the room to find Anya and Xander, Buffy looked at Spike. "This isn't helping anyone, y'know. You need to forget all that stuff, you didn't kill me Spike."

Spike looked away from her, he felt ashamed to see her looking after him as if he was human. Part of him was desperate to get back to his old killing ways but image after image was bombarding his mind, forcing him to remember all those that he viciously killed for sport and food. Willow appeared in the doorway and Buffy looked up at her questioningly. She walked across and kneeled down before Buffy,

" It was Angel. He said after he was restored he was plagued by the faces of those he'd killed and Spike is probably going through the same thing," explained Willow. "He also said that he's just feeling sorry for himself and being a drama queen," Buffy let out a little laugh.

" Can you believe him? They can be just as bad as each other!" she smiled before pulling the covers back from Spike and grabbing the back of his trousers. "Come on! You are getting up and having a drink,"

Spike moaned in protest but Buffy was not taking 'no' for an answer. She pushed him down the staircase and handed Willow some money from her jeans pocket asking her to go to the butchers' for some blood. Spike sat on the sofa and stretched out, he was still quiet but seemed much better for being awake and in the real world rather than in the past.

" Buffy, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for everything," he sighed, unable to look at her. She placed her hand on his, squeezing it gently.

" You've got nothing to apologise for. It's all in the past now, everything's forgotten," she whispered.

" I love you, Slayer," he murmured. Buffy looked across at him and smiled to herself. She leaned across and kissed his cheek.

" I love you too," she smiled. It felt good to say it aloud; she had wanted to tell him for so long. She had spent so much time trying to convince herself that it was a lie, that she couldn't love him because he was evil. It hadn't worked but now she could say it and mean it, Xander had been right about one thing; now Spike had a soul, things between them might just get perfect. No more secrets. No more lies. 


	5. Anger & Tears

Chapter Five – Anger & Tears

Anya sat on Buffy's sofa in floods of tears while Willow attempted to comfort her. Spike and Buffy had fled to the kitchen to give Willow a chance of calming her down, Spike was watching his blood heat up in the microwave while Buffy tapped number after number into the telephone in a desperate attempt to find Xander. Dawn just floated around the house, unsure of what she was supposed to be doing. Buffy had told her that she was free to go to a friend's house but Dawn didn't really feel like going anywhere. She was stuck in the middle of a family crisis; her family was breaking apart at the seams and she needed to be sure it was going to be okay.

" I can't believe he just left. I only wanted to see if I could do anything to help Buffy. I don't even find him attractive, how could Xander think that I would find Spike attractive after all this time?" sniffed Anya.

" I don't know, he said a lot of things that were stupid. I don't think he knows what he's thinking or feeling yet, he's just confused about how to accept Spike. It was the same when Angel came back, he was so angry that he never thought about anything else,"

" Xander was only angry about Angel because he had feelings for Buffy. He doesn't have feelings for her anymore so why should he care?"

" But Xander does have feelings for Buffy, he loves her as a friend and I think he's just worried how Spike will affect her or something. I'm sure it'll all be sorted out soon," soothed Willow, Anya nodded and sniffed away her fresh tears.

" Me too," said Xander from the hallway. Anya jumped up from the sofa and ran across to hug him; he accepted her affections but didn't take his eyes off Willow.

" What?" she frowned as he walked across the room and joined her on the sofa as Anya went to the kitchen to inform Buffy and Spike that Xander had come back.

" It occurred to me that the last time something like this happened, you were on the giving side. You were the one who gave Angel his soul and I was just wondering if you'd been up to your old tricks?"

" What the hell are you talking about?" asked Willow, indignantly.

" Have you been using magicks again just to give Buffy her boyfriend back?"

" God, Xander. What is wrong with you? You know that I would never… I can't get into all that again, how could you even accuse me of having anything to do with this?"

" Please, Will. It's not like you were Little Miss Sane when everything happened. You may have conveniently forgotten but I remember what you were like when you stopped using magick; you were dying. All I'm saying is that it wouldn't surprise me if you slipped up,"

" I don't know how you can sit there and say these things to me. How can you call yourself my friend when you don't even trust me?" shouted Willow, tears of anger and sadness mingling on her cheek. She ran from the room in tears, barging past Spike and Buffy as they entered the living room with Anya.

" What did you say to her?" asked Buffy.

" Nothing. Just wondering if Wonder-Witch had returned along with Soul-Boy?" said Xander. Anya looked at him confused, she didn't understand why Xander was reacting this way. He'd had enough of Buffy so he was turning on Willow? She looked at Buffy for some kind of answer but she was too angry to say anything, even Spike seemed unable to stop her glaring.

" Never in my life have I wanted to hurt you as much as I do right now. I don't care about anything you've ever said about Angel or about Spike but you do not come into my house and start hurting Willow. No way!" she shouted. Spike held onto her wrist as she spoke, she seemed so upset that he was scared she would fly across the room and actually attack Xander.

" What the hell am I supposed to think? Everything is turning out real nice for the two of you and what do I get? Nothing. All I get is the guy that banged the woman I love, it's not the best present in the world,"

" That was a long time ago, Xander. You can't keep bringing it up and thinking about it," soothed Anya, walking across the room and sitting next to him on the sofa. "These people are your friends and you're hurting them and yourself by doing what you're doing,"

" Xander, I just want to say I am so sorry for what happened between me and Anya. It really was a drunken mistake, I never meant to hurt you. I was just lonely and stupid," said Spike quietly, Xander looked up at him in shock. He couldn't believe that Spike would dare apologise to him for the very thing he was basing his angry outlook on.

" I just don't understand you. You know more than anyone what Willow's been going through since she's been back and you accuse her of starting again. What is wrong with you?" shouted Buffy, she shaken free of Spike's grip and was striding towards Xander.

" I think I'll look for her," he murmured under his breath before standing up, he couldn't even look at Buffy. He walked out of the room and Buffy collapsed onto the sofa, sighing loudly. Spike sat next to her and she immediately snuggled in to his outstretched arms. Anya looked at them both and smiled, they seemed so happy together, she only hoped that Xander could see that and stopped his mission to hurt everyone in his path of destruction.

Willow was sitting on the step outside of the back door shivering quietly, her tears had stopped flowing but had frozen onto her cheeks in tiny salty blocks of ice. Xander sat next to her and took his jacket off, draping it over her shoulders and covering her bare arms. She looked up at him but couldn't say anything, she was so angry and upset that he had accused her of using magick on Spike that there was nothing to say. Her eyes were red-rimmed and Xander couldn't help but feel guilty for what he had done.

" What's the matter with you? Why are you so against Spike and Buffy being together?"

" I just don't know that she's doing the right thing. I just don't know if I can pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong again. I know she says she loves him but how does she know? I just can't forget everything we've been through because of him,"

" But he's changed now. Don't you think this past year alone has earned him a little something? Yeah, it was the chip and not a soul but he has a soul now so it's not like he's he same guy,"

" I know. I just can't get over it, I'm just being an idiot who can't get out of the past. Do you forgive me for what I said?" he asked. Willow smiled and nodded, hugging him tightly. "I'm so sorry, Will. I never wanted to hurt you,"

" We need to sort you and Buffy out. I don't think she's very happy with you right now," laughed Willow. Xander smiled and stood up, helping Willow to her feet and escorting her into the house.

Anya, Spike and Buffy were all sitting on the sofa talking about what they could do about Xander and Willow and all the emotions flying around at the moment. Dawn was hanging back slightly, she sat at the bottom of the stairs not wanting to join the group but not wanting to be left out completely.

" Are you two better now?" asked Anya, eternal optimism shining behind her eyes. Xander grinned and sat next to her on the edge of the sofa, leaning over to kiss the top of her head. Willow sat on the floor again, tucking her legs underneath the coffee table and smiling up at Buffy, she looked tired but relieved.

" Buffy, I'm really sorry about all this. I just want you to know that I think our friendship is a lot stronger than my little outbursts!" he laughed. Buffy swallowed her anger and pride and leaned across the sofa to squeeze his knee, she was still a little too annoyed to forgive him completely but knew that there wasn't much to keep everyone apart.

" Thank God. You guys can be so annoying," laughed Dawn, running in from her hiding place on the stairs and sitting on Spike's knee. Still a little weak from the restoration, he groaned slightly under her weight but let her remain there. He was so happy to be back in the house, he was still racked with guilt about everything he had ever done to them as well as everyone else but having Buffy and Dawn there with him, accepting him back into their lives made him feel a little better.


End file.
